thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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