____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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