Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
