She's JV to your varsity
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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