Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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