So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize