why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
