Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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