i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Randomize
