hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
This is my gift to your gina
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
