bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
