I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
