There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
