your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
