So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
