can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
