Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I seem to have left my pride at pride
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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