I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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