I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize