I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
