god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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