my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize