Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
