ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
