I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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