i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
this hospital has no fireball
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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