god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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