Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
