OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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