if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You're like the curious george of whores
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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