I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
