Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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