I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
