I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
