I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
