Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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