Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
