everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It was like giving head to a cactus.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
