You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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