You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
