We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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