My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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