If that was your dad, he is hot
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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