I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
