ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
