seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
