Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
