you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
