Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
