the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
