I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
