I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
