Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
