What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
