You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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