Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
