My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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