Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
