If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
