My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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