note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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