I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
